stream of consciousnessness

Yeah, I do not really feel this way, but i felt that I needed some practice in stream of consciousness writing, so I just bundled up the most extreme emotions I had and wrote them down. Just read it and enjoy. Do not try to find a deeper meaning because there is not one.

and as i sat there watching my friends laugh about a bear shitting himself, i couldn't help but feel like there had to be something more. this couldn't be what i was destined to do for the rest of high school. but what else was there? sitting at home doing nothing wasn't sounding all that great, but i sure as hell didn't feel like having another bonanza watching kids i marginally like attempt some sort of social interaction. it was at that point that i got to thinking about what a horrible mess my love life was and how, as i sat there, it was probably going down the shitter. she had to be sick tonight. she had to pick the last possible day to be so conveniently absent from my life. it was all just so dandy. again with the mindless laughing. just about anything could set this bunch off tonight. nothing like the plight of others to really get the comedic juices flowing. right now i am probably sitting with the most mature group of people in the entire world, laughing at a man who touches bear shit as his life's dream. the man touched shit, because he wanted to, and nobody thought there was something wrong with that man. oh wait, now he's yelling a fox and the laughter is in full force. probably should have stayed home tonight becuase i'm obviously not in the mood for people tonight, not to mention i hate these kids most of the time anyway. here i am, living out the dream of a high school student, yet i can't help but feel like this is probably the worst time of my entire life. all the shit wrapped up in a pretty bow and then plopped down in my lap, waiting for some psycho bear-man to come and touch it. it would be better if she just called, just to let me know she was at least thinkign about me. sometimes i feel like it's all a huge waste of time, a sick freakin joke that keeps getting played on me over and over until i just feel like seriously shooting everyone in the face. why is there so much laughing? good god why can't i just get the hell out of this place? there has got to be somebody else who feels this way. i bet somebody out there is sitting on some couch, looking out the window wondering, what the fuck am i doing with my life? why am i with these kids? i don't even want to be here right now. why can't i find that person? find them and then sit on some hill somewhere and talk about how much people suck and how fake the whole world is. just sit under the stars and watch the night turn into the morning, the sunlight defeating the cold blackness of a winter day's end. where is this person? sometimes i feel like the search for this person is taking me farther away from the people i used to love, but somehow i don't really care. the selfishness of this pursuit is the only thing that consumes me of late and i can see my life spiraling down because of this. the summer will bring change. it always does, no matter what kind, change will indefinitely come. right now it's really shitty. i need to get out of this place and right now i feel just so alone in the world. where is that person? fuck, ass.