an afterthought

I don't understand. I do it. I don't mean to do it. I do it anyway. I feel badly afterwards, but I can never think of the right words. Apologies don't seem like enough, they come all too often. Promises get broken right along with feelings. Time and time again I hurt the people who love me most without so much as an afterthought; until the thoughts come after. Trying to do the right thing doesn't seem good enough when you fail. Failure begets sadness and the tears that burn so deeply. My life is a jumbled mess of stress and emotion, questions, decisions, hormones and emotions, but looking back that still seems like a weak excuse. There isn't one. I'm handed it all and expect it. I work, but to what end? I sit back in leisure 154 of 168 hours a week, all the while appreciating very little of what I actually have. I am shit, but I wish I wasn't. I want to change, it's not like I haven't tried to. I just constantly fail. I don't deserve anything, but I long too. The day will come when I will realize the error of my ways, but I hope it's not too late.